Fibbers v2 - Celebrating a Legend

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The guest list is full and you're not on it

I'm not giving out flyers for your sandwich shop

Because peanut butter and tuna isn’t a 'speciality'

It's just another type of vomit

That's not a genuine Welsh £150 note

We both know there was no 'King Dai'

It's quiet now and gets busier later

It won't but give me your money anyway

It's a tribute not the real Led Zeppelin

They had a plane not a brown Transit

I don't want to book your mate

I don't even want your mate's CD

The guest list is FULL, cloth ears

The toilets are over there

No, OVER THERE

Why on earth would I have toilet paper on me

Dave Grohl won't play here don't ask

I don't book DJs, mate, I deal in musicians

Y'know, the ones that make music

That's a ticket for last night

No it's not valid tonight

Phone who you like, the guest list is STILL full

If you don't spit, I won't

I'm not holding your beer for you

I'm not watching it for you either

Being sold out means I can't squeeze one more in

Ah, you couldn't be bothered to queue

That's different then, come right in ...

Go away this is my quiet cigarette time

Yes the beer is expensive in here

No I'm not the bouncer

But I can be if you don't stop that

Yes I'm a dick

But I'm the dick inside

And you're the dick outside

I'm not lending you my phone for the night

Is this the lap dancing club

Yes and my name is Zelda

Zelda The Bearded Lady mate

Yeah, the joke's over now just **** off

This is my only pen and you won't bring it back

Promoters hate guest lists, are you picking up on that at all

There's a reason I'm ignoring you

Because you're dull

Yes I'm the real Tim Hornsby

No, you can't tell people you know me

I like loud bands but you're just a loud person

And a vexation upon my spirit

Let's hold hands, close our eyes and concentrate real hard

And then maybe your ticket will teleport from Wakefield

If that doesn’t work you gotta pay

Yeah I've been here forever

There's worse places to be

At your place with you for example

No I won't have my ashes scattered in Fibbers

I don't want to go up in the Hoover next day that's why

You're barred. For fighting. Yes, stabbing IS a form of fighting.

Nothing has changed in the last minute, you're STILL not on the guest list

Because guests are people that are liked mate

Wow that IS a good offer, love

But what about your husband

The guy stood next to you?

Er ... don't hit me mate it was her idea

I'm smiling cos I'm doing rock and roll, madam

Yeah even at my time of life

Well I hope you look as good as me when you're my age

Good wheeze, though, isn't it

I can't help being cool

I'm not giving you two quid to park even though you're coming to the show

I agree, all bands should have at least one original member

I don't take tampons as payment (that DID happen)

Yes the supports are crap

I don't think the band will play your wedding

Please accept the 50p you've been given

I don't gave time to find a specific year

Yes the band has finished early

A blessing though wasn't it

The DJ doesn't do requests because that's actually a band on stage

They won't play happy birthday because they'd have trouble with 3 Blind Mice

My God your wife is ugly but I still think you've done well considering

No, I don't why the bar staff are on their phones either

Be sick outside not on me

Not in the cig bin please

*** Off is my default setting

You again. Buy a ticket!